Just a girl

Date: Wednesday; June 23rd, 2004

Ah summer...

A time where we can barbeque outside, swim, race, play sports and do all sorts of outside activities.

Only this summer i've been working at the shop with the guys, swimming, eating and then sleeping and repeating the process. Except on Fridays when we do races and course girls night when Abby and I try to have a girls night where we watch movies, eat junk food and just get to hang out together. I also have the times when I get to just hang out with Scott by myself which I really like. I have yet to bring up my question to him but soon I will. Maybe on the 4th of July I can do that. Abby keeps pushing me to do it soon so maybe the 4th is when I'll do it.

Hopefully he doesn't freak out or turn me down.

Nothing knocks down a girls ego more than her best friend turning her down.

That'll be a fun one.

I want to go play on the swing sets now - too bad I couldn't cut out early but lucky me, i'm on phone and desk duty this week.

Alright I'm done now. I should be working.

Lucky for me, while I get desk duty I also get to choose the music that plays in the front office. Ah I'm sure people just love the music I choose.

people like us
know how to survive
there's no point in living
if you can't feel alive

we know when to kiss
and we know when to kill
if we can't have it all
then nobody will

Date: Saturday; June 12th, 2004

Okay, so no updates last night, I know.

I was doing so well on this whole posting thing but my Friday's are usually busy anyway so I'd expect no updates from me until Saturdays.

What keeps me busy, you ask? Good question.

See, my friends and I run some races outside of town. They're hugely popular and one of my favorite things to do on the weekend. I've always loved the feel of adrenaline running through my body as the speedometer climbs higher while maneuvering my car around to where I want it go go.

Also, I get some good money by racing against some of the guys so that's a plus. It helps when there's something I want to pay for myself and not bother the guys with. :) I like being able to pay for some things by myself.

I plan on buying season 1 of House when it comes out. God that show makes me laugh...

Alright, this was a whole bunch of nothing but guess that's how it goes sometimes, yeah?

I do truly wonder how long it'll be before any of the guys wind up finding this journal.

Ah well, worse things could happen.

Right?

Drivin' down the street one night, just the girls and me.
We've cruised this town so many times it's the hottest place to be.
A car pulls up beside us as the redlight turns to green.
He's revin' up his engine lord it sounds like a mean machine.
But i took him by surprise with my good old chevrolet,
And when the race was over he didn't have too much to say.
But by the look that he was wearing, he'd changed his attitude.

Date: Wednesday; June 9th, 2004

It is a time for a fresh start and a new beginning.

It is a time to open my eyes to the world around me and really look around me; not letting it pass me by. On that note, actually think about the world around me and think about why there are things going on in the world that is happening.

It is a time to make changes for myself and to take care of my body, soul and mind.

It is a time to wake up in the morning and take advantage of the good things that I have in my life and not be angry or saddened by things I don't have.

Let's be honest though, while we're at it, what kind of things would I need to make me angry or sad because I don't have them?

In a way, I suppose I am spoiled. I live in a nice house (that I don't pay rent for, but should). I have nice clothes that fit and aren't dirty. I have several pairs of shoes and flip flops (which I wear year round). We have a pool, any movie I could ever want to see, food, a roof over my head and the love and the support of eight of the best guys in the world. I have several best friends that I trust my life with. I have a car that will get me to places and I don't think there is a time when there isn't something going on in this house.

So why is there a need to change? Why mess with a good thing when all I really have to do is pay for the things that I want, Ie: clothing, cds, etc and just be happy?

Despite all of this, I have come to realize that I truly don't know who I am.

Besides the basics of the things I like such as parties, races, cars, music, guys, adrenaline, and traveling - I don't truly know myself or what I want.

I don't know why I feel the way I feel on things.

I don't know why I do the things that I do.

I don't know why I can't be happy and know what I want to do in my life.

I don't know why I say one thing and yet also feel another.

Why do I hate the guys over protective nature and yet love it at the same time?

Why can't I figure out what it is that I want from life when it seems like everyone else around me has it figured out and I'm still stuck at this point?

If there is one thing I do have however is the knowing that I will get it figured out.

I have to get it figured out. I don't want to be thirty and still not know what I want to do in my life.

I'm seventeen years old and that's still pretty young, right?

I can figure it out.

I will get it figured out.

Like I said, this is a time for a new beginning and a fresh start.

Take advantage of what I want and go for what I want.

First step, talk to a certain best friend of mine. There is something I've always wanted and I am sure that he can help me with that.

Until another time...

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
- Only; Nine Inch Nails

Date: Tuesday; June 8th, 2004

I found this somewhere or another and thought it seemed a lot like me.
These are my numbers that correlate with my name to explain who I am and what I deeply desire.

( Alessandra Marie Morgan )

Date: Tuesday; June 8th, 2004

I have a journal already that I write in when I'm upset so we'll see how long this lasts but I figured, why not? You want to know a little about me? I guess I could tell you.

∞ My name is Alessandra Les Morgan. If anyone calls me by my full name, it's because they're mad at me typically. Totally not a trouble maker though - don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

∞ I'm seventeen years old and going to be eighteen in October so I can't wait! It's not twenty one and I won't be allowed to drink legally yet but that's alright, it's still a big point in life and I drink anyway. Ah yes good times.

∞ I don't live with my parents. I live with my best friends who mean more to me than my parents did. Maybe one day I'll tell the story but for now, that's all I feel like saying. My best friends are my family - they're my big brothers and my sisters. We protect each other to the end.

I guess the biggest thing on my mind currently is what am I going to do once I graduate. I mean, yeah I could work at either the tattoo shop that Austin and Blake run. I could work with Don and Ricky and the guys at the auto shop, they need someone around them to keep things organized or help with cars and I'm pretty handy with a wrench. But a part of me just wants to branch out and do something else. Least I know I can change my own oil, I can fix a flat, I can change a radiator out and install a new fan on any of my cars should things go out - and if I do need help, I know just who to call - those are lessons I'll forever take with me but I just want to do something else now. I want to find something I enjoy and see if I can make that into something I can do for a living. You know? Maybe you don't know, hell sometimes I don't know.

There are times when I am not at all confident in where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I can't help but feel as if I'm going to always be stuck in this moment of time, not knowing what I'm doing, where i'm going or what I feel.

Alright, I'll end this teen!angst entry now.

Maybe I'll write back and maybe I won't.

I'll leave you with this...

Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?
-The Hand That Feeds; Nine Inch Nails